if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
