You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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