Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
