Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
