In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
