i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
