we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
