i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
