I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
