Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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