In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
