I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
