my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
