I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
