i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
