Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
