holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
