she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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