So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
