i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
