does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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