You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
