i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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