my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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