I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
