wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
