our cab driver is having phone sex.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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