Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
