Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
