Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
