Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Need sex. Gaining weight.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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