i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
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This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
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250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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