I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
