And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
