dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The air was thick with penises
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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