my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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