I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
