I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
