i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
