everyone is single if you try hard enough
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
