I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
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