I think I am morally bankrupt
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
