she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
