Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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