he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
