My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
