i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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