it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
