mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
