Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
