Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
