went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
