I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
