I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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