So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize