On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
