Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
