he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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