It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dicks are not precious.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
