You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
