according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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